What I'm going to do differently this time

This time I'm going to take a more active role in my healing. After the first two losses I was pretty passive about healing and taking care of myself and as a result I think I've been stuck in a negative place for most of the last year. I need to do better this time. Whether we're going to try again or move to adoption, I need to get myself to a better place emotionally.

One of the things I've done over the last year is isolate myself from most of my friends and even my family. I feel like I can't deal with people so I hide from them. And while I still feel like no one I know (except on the internet) understands at all what I'm going through, I still need a support network. So I'm going to work on this. First though I need to figure what I'm going to do to speak up for myself or protect myself from the hurtful things people say. I realize they are not trying to be hurtful. People mean well. But I'm in too fragile a place to just let things role off my back.

I also found a pamplet about a loss support group in my hospital discharge papers. I don't know whether there is really a support group for m/c/infant loss, but I'm going to call and find out. I would really prefer a support group to a counselor, but if I can't find one I may give therapy another try.

I also need to find a job. There are so many reasons I don't want to do this, but I need to. I want to be a SAHM. I don't want to deal with this horrible job market. But our finances are not great right now and it's a huge source of stress, especially for W. We have way too much debt and we aren't making any forward progess with only one income. If I can't find something soon we might even need to move. I don't need to make a fortune, but we need a little more coming in.

I want to finish working on a shelf in my house dedicated to my angels.

I want to get my house reorganized and keep it that way. It's hard to relax and heal in a big mess. Plus it boosts my self-esteem when I'm taking care of things better. Not to mention if we need to sell, it will make the process less stressful.

I'm putting away all the maternity clothes that have been sitting in my closet since I lost my first angel. I thought for sure I would need them again soon so I left them out. It's time for them to go away. I'm also going to give a lot of our baby stuff to my SIL who is due next month. I'll keep the clothes and a few other things that I can keep hidden out of sight. The rest has got to go. I like the idea of giving it all to her instead of charity, because this way I know I can get everything back. I'm not ready to part with it all for good. I may get to that place, but I'm not there yet.

I'm also going to research our options as much as possible. I'm going to my doctor's appointment in two weeks armed with questions and if he can't answer them, I'm going to ask for a referral. I'm also going to research our adoption options so when we're ready we can jump right in.

The last thing I'm working on is finding a church for our family. I've been wanting to do this for a while now, but W is a bit resistant. Neither one of us is terribly religious but I think it would help me a lot to get in touch with my spiritual side. I also think becoming a part of a supportive community would be wonderful right now. Plus it would be beneficial for AJ as well. Not to mention it will open up more options for us with adoption because many agencies are Christian. Now I just have to convince W.