So what now?

I knew that if this last pregnancy failed, it would be significant. Both in my mind and in the medical world, 3 is the magic number when it comes to miscarriages. My chances of a successful pregnancy have dropped from nearly normal after the second loss to 60% now. That doesn't sound so bad until you look at the other side. I have a 40% chance of miscarrying all of my future pregnancies. Now my odds may be slightly better because I have had a successful pregnancy, but they still aren't good. It's a pretty damn scary thing to face. But we still have a chance. A better than 50% chance. And in fertility terms, I'm a spring chicken. I'm only 30, so theoretically we could keep at this for more than 10 more years. But at what cost?

So what now? Do we go ahead and roll the dice? Do we do a bunch of testing to find out what's wrong? According to my doctor 3 is also the magic number when it comes to insurance coverage for testing, so at least that may be an option for us. But the problem is, we know our first loss was because of a trisomy and my doctor suspects the other two losses are due to chromosomal problems as well. If the pathology report for this baby comes back abnormal, the only logical test is gene karyotyping of W and I. If it shows one of us as being abnormal, there is not much we can do. The only treatment is IVF with genetic diagnosis. There is no way on earth we can afford that, and we have no insurance coverage. So really all they can tell us is that we can continue to roll the dice. We know it's not impossible for us to have a healthy baby. So I wonder if the test is really worth it.

We'll know more at my follow-up appointment in a few weeks. I am really hoping that the baby was normal. Not because I'll be glad to have lost a normal baby, of course. But because it would confirm my suspicions that something went wrong with me after the first m/c. Maybe it's even something fixable. But blighted ovums are usually caused by abnormalities, so I doubt this will be the case. Which puts us back at rolling the dice.

So maybe we should just move on. That's where I was a few days ago. No question in my mind that we were done. At least for a few years. Maybe down the road we could do the testing and even possible afford IVF, but in the mean time focus on other things and begin pursuing adoption. But now that some time has passed, I'm not so sure about this anymore.

W and I have always been open to the idea of adoption. In fact we've always been certain we would do it at some point, even long before these troubles started. But we also want more biological kids. That's why we've been at this for the last year. I came home from the doctor's office so determined to move on, I printed off the initial paperwork for adopting through our state's Children's Division. It's sitting on my desk all filled out, only needing a family picture to be complete. But I'm not ready to take that picture. Or to send it out. I'm not sure if I'm really done.

The idea of going back on Clomid when my period returns is so appealling, I can't deny it. Instead of a spring baby, maybe I could have a summer baby. There's barely a difference. But I know from everything that's happened that this is dangerous thinking. When it doesn't work out that way, I will suffer even more. I just don't know if I have it in me to roll the dice again.