What I've done so far

So I put away the maternity clothes, but I haven't tackled the baby stuff yet.

I called about a support group but it looks like that is going to be a no-go. I wish the grief counselor from the hospital would at least have the courtesy to call me back.

I have done a little job networking this week, but I need to do A LOT more.

My house is slowly but surely getting cleaner.

I've tried a little to seek out support but I haven't really made any progess. None at all. So I'm starting slow. the killer tension headache I've been fighting all week has reminded me of how much tension I carry in my upper body. I realize that when I'm in any situation that makes me uncomfortable, I tense up and close off my body. I'm guessing I look like the most unapporachable person on the planet. My current plan is to just practice relaxing and opening up my posture. It works too. I had several chit-chatty conversations at the park yesterday without feeling like a social leaper. It felt good.

Today I'm going to make my follow-up doctor's appointment. I'll probably also do a little research on our options to prepare for it.

That's all for now.

I should probably point out

that I'm assuming no one is reading this blog. I think that's a fair assumption. I've told no one about it. I haven't attempted to include myself on any blogrolls. I realize that someone could find me by searching, and that's fine. But I'm writing for me. Not for an audience. At least not for an audience that I invited to read my thoughts. So I should probably point out that I'm not using any warning before talking about my daughter. I'm not holding back on bitching about my family and friends. If anyone is offended by what I write, I apologize ahead of time. This blog is for me, and for me alone.

Secondary Infertility

Yesterday I took AJ to a new park. We had driven by it before and it looked like fun and best of all, not crowded. It was even better than I thought. It had a nice playground and down the hill where I couldn't see from the road was a really nice duck pond with pretty fountains. And best of all we were the only people there except one older guy jogging with his dog. Which brings me to my point.

I don't know what it's like to suffer from primary inferility, but I have to imagine that being a secondary infertile is easier in many, many ways. (I'm still a bit uncomfortable with the "infertile" label since getting pregnant is not my problem, but I'll use it because it's easier to say than "secondary recurrent pregnancy loss" and ultimately the issues being faced are very similar)

Every morning when I wake up I see a beautiful smiling face and hear "good morning Mommy." AJ is also really into saying "I love you" lately. That alone makes this horrible journey easier. I don't deal with the pain of not being recognized as a mom. I'm sure people are not acknowledging that I'm a mom to my angels, but at least I'm not being reminded of that fact like women who only have angels. I get to do a bunch of fun mom stuff and I do have a child to carry on my genes. That said, I think there are a few issues that those of us with secondary infertility deal with that primary infertiles can probably avoid, or a least don't have to face on a daily basis.

Which brings me back to why I was looking for a new park. I'm a SAHM right now and everyday AJ and I go places like parks, the zoo, or the pool. And everyday I'm faced with a million reminders of what I don't have. I see moms with a bunch of kids, big pregnant bellies, and the worst for me, moms with a toddler and a new baby. My inner green-eyed monster rears it's head. That should be me I want to shout. But to who??? Fortunately AJ is still young enough that I rarely get asked the worst question anybody could ask me. The dreaded "are you going to have more?" Innocent enough that if I dissolve in tears, I'm the rude one. I know it won't be long before I'm getting this one frequently. I told my husband that I need to go back to work because I can't deal with it all anymore. But at least for now we have our newly found park.

I want to add that with secondary infertility, you know full well what you're missing. Being pregnant, giving birth, and taking care of newborn AJ were the happiest times in my whole life. I would give my right arm, my left leg, anything at all to experience it again.

My heart goes out to all women suffering through this pain, whether they have a child, children, or none yet. I think worrying about who has it worse is devisive and silly and that is certainly not my point in this post. I hope that's clear.

I need to let this out

No one has called me to check on me since the D&C except W (who does call now and then from work). I don't understand. I would think people would be worried about me. My mom hasn't even called since Wed. night. Do they not care? Or are they afraid of me? Maybe they think I don't want to talk. Even so they could just call and see if I need anything. This is the worst and most isolating experience of my entire life. I may not want to pour my soul out to everyone I see but I just wish someone would show me that they give a shit.

Let me add that my MIL actually forgot (between Wednesday and Sunday) that I even had another m/c. WTF? I may elaborate on that later but right now I need to get out of this house.

What I'm going to do differently this time

This time I'm going to take a more active role in my healing. After the first two losses I was pretty passive about healing and taking care of myself and as a result I think I've been stuck in a negative place for most of the last year. I need to do better this time. Whether we're going to try again or move to adoption, I need to get myself to a better place emotionally.

One of the things I've done over the last year is isolate myself from most of my friends and even my family. I feel like I can't deal with people so I hide from them. And while I still feel like no one I know (except on the internet) understands at all what I'm going through, I still need a support network. So I'm going to work on this. First though I need to figure what I'm going to do to speak up for myself or protect myself from the hurtful things people say. I realize they are not trying to be hurtful. People mean well. But I'm in too fragile a place to just let things role off my back.

I also found a pamplet about a loss support group in my hospital discharge papers. I don't know whether there is really a support group for m/c/infant loss, but I'm going to call and find out. I would really prefer a support group to a counselor, but if I can't find one I may give therapy another try.

I also need to find a job. There are so many reasons I don't want to do this, but I need to. I want to be a SAHM. I don't want to deal with this horrible job market. But our finances are not great right now and it's a huge source of stress, especially for W. We have way too much debt and we aren't making any forward progess with only one income. If I can't find something soon we might even need to move. I don't need to make a fortune, but we need a little more coming in.

I want to finish working on a shelf in my house dedicated to my angels.

I want to get my house reorganized and keep it that way. It's hard to relax and heal in a big mess. Plus it boosts my self-esteem when I'm taking care of things better. Not to mention if we need to sell, it will make the process less stressful.

I'm putting away all the maternity clothes that have been sitting in my closet since I lost my first angel. I thought for sure I would need them again soon so I left them out. It's time for them to go away. I'm also going to give a lot of our baby stuff to my SIL who is due next month. I'll keep the clothes and a few other things that I can keep hidden out of sight. The rest has got to go. I like the idea of giving it all to her instead of charity, because this way I know I can get everything back. I'm not ready to part with it all for good. I may get to that place, but I'm not there yet.

I'm also going to research our options as much as possible. I'm going to my doctor's appointment in two weeks armed with questions and if he can't answer them, I'm going to ask for a referral. I'm also going to research our adoption options so when we're ready we can jump right in.

The last thing I'm working on is finding a church for our family. I've been wanting to do this for a while now, but W is a bit resistant. Neither one of us is terribly religious but I think it would help me a lot to get in touch with my spiritual side. I also think becoming a part of a supportive community would be wonderful right now. Plus it would be beneficial for AJ as well. Not to mention it will open up more options for us with adoption because many agencies are Christian. Now I just have to convince W.

Coffee and other sacrifices

As I was enjoying my morning coffee today for the first time all summer, I started thinking of all the things I have done in the past year to try to get and stay pregnant.

It kind of feels like a cruel joke. I haven't had coffee since I began my Clomid cycle. Now I didn't cut caffiene completely, but I switched to tea which is not the same thing. I haven't had a drink since I ovulated. Since my first m/c I have religiously taken numerous vitimins, started pre-natal yoga, vastly improved my eating habits, drank 8 glasses of water (almost) every day, and any number of other things that are supposed to help with fertility. I used pre-seed and OPKs and these awful little cup things which I will spare you the details about. And when I think about all the things I did and all the things I gave up, honestly, I feel stupid. I really believed those things would help me, and they haven't. But they have served as a daily reminder of my inability to achieve the one thing I want above all others.

With my first (successful) pregnancy, all I did was take folic acid, eat a little more fruit and cut back on the coffee once I got my BFP. I wonder if we try again if I will be able to just relax and live normally. Despite feeling stupid, part of me still feels like I need those things. It's crazy what infertility does to the mind. I swear I used to be a sane person.

So what now?

I knew that if this last pregnancy failed, it would be significant. Both in my mind and in the medical world, 3 is the magic number when it comes to miscarriages. My chances of a successful pregnancy have dropped from nearly normal after the second loss to 60% now. That doesn't sound so bad until you look at the other side. I have a 40% chance of miscarrying all of my future pregnancies. Now my odds may be slightly better because I have had a successful pregnancy, but they still aren't good. It's a pretty damn scary thing to face. But we still have a chance. A better than 50% chance. And in fertility terms, I'm a spring chicken. I'm only 30, so theoretically we could keep at this for more than 10 more years. But at what cost?

So what now? Do we go ahead and roll the dice? Do we do a bunch of testing to find out what's wrong? According to my doctor 3 is also the magic number when it comes to insurance coverage for testing, so at least that may be an option for us. But the problem is, we know our first loss was because of a trisomy and my doctor suspects the other two losses are due to chromosomal problems as well. If the pathology report for this baby comes back abnormal, the only logical test is gene karyotyping of W and I. If it shows one of us as being abnormal, there is not much we can do. The only treatment is IVF with genetic diagnosis. There is no way on earth we can afford that, and we have no insurance coverage. So really all they can tell us is that we can continue to roll the dice. We know it's not impossible for us to have a healthy baby. So I wonder if the test is really worth it.

We'll know more at my follow-up appointment in a few weeks. I am really hoping that the baby was normal. Not because I'll be glad to have lost a normal baby, of course. But because it would confirm my suspicions that something went wrong with me after the first m/c. Maybe it's even something fixable. But blighted ovums are usually caused by abnormalities, so I doubt this will be the case. Which puts us back at rolling the dice.

So maybe we should just move on. That's where I was a few days ago. No question in my mind that we were done. At least for a few years. Maybe down the road we could do the testing and even possible afford IVF, but in the mean time focus on other things and begin pursuing adoption. But now that some time has passed, I'm not so sure about this anymore.

W and I have always been open to the idea of adoption. In fact we've always been certain we would do it at some point, even long before these troubles started. But we also want more biological kids. That's why we've been at this for the last year. I came home from the doctor's office so determined to move on, I printed off the initial paperwork for adopting through our state's Children's Division. It's sitting on my desk all filled out, only needing a family picture to be complete. But I'm not ready to take that picture. Or to send it out. I'm not sure if I'm really done.

The idea of going back on Clomid when my period returns is so appealling, I can't deny it. Instead of a spring baby, maybe I could have a summer baby. There's barely a difference. But I know from everything that's happened that this is dangerous thinking. When it doesn't work out that way, I will suffer even more. I just don't know if I have it in me to roll the dice again.