Secondary Infertility

Yesterday I took AJ to a new park. We had driven by it before and it looked like fun and best of all, not crowded. It was even better than I thought. It had a nice playground and down the hill where I couldn't see from the road was a really nice duck pond with pretty fountains. And best of all we were the only people there except one older guy jogging with his dog. Which brings me to my point.

I don't know what it's like to suffer from primary inferility, but I have to imagine that being a secondary infertile is easier in many, many ways. (I'm still a bit uncomfortable with the "infertile" label since getting pregnant is not my problem, but I'll use it because it's easier to say than "secondary recurrent pregnancy loss" and ultimately the issues being faced are very similar)

Every morning when I wake up I see a beautiful smiling face and hear "good morning Mommy." AJ is also really into saying "I love you" lately. That alone makes this horrible journey easier. I don't deal with the pain of not being recognized as a mom. I'm sure people are not acknowledging that I'm a mom to my angels, but at least I'm not being reminded of that fact like women who only have angels. I get to do a bunch of fun mom stuff and I do have a child to carry on my genes. That said, I think there are a few issues that those of us with secondary infertility deal with that primary infertiles can probably avoid, or a least don't have to face on a daily basis.

Which brings me back to why I was looking for a new park. I'm a SAHM right now and everyday AJ and I go places like parks, the zoo, or the pool. And everyday I'm faced with a million reminders of what I don't have. I see moms with a bunch of kids, big pregnant bellies, and the worst for me, moms with a toddler and a new baby. My inner green-eyed monster rears it's head. That should be me I want to shout. But to who??? Fortunately AJ is still young enough that I rarely get asked the worst question anybody could ask me. The dreaded "are you going to have more?" Innocent enough that if I dissolve in tears, I'm the rude one. I know it won't be long before I'm getting this one frequently. I told my husband that I need to go back to work because I can't deal with it all anymore. But at least for now we have our newly found park.

I want to add that with secondary infertility, you know full well what you're missing. Being pregnant, giving birth, and taking care of newborn AJ were the happiest times in my whole life. I would give my right arm, my left leg, anything at all to experience it again.

My heart goes out to all women suffering through this pain, whether they have a child, children, or none yet. I think worrying about who has it worse is devisive and silly and that is certainly not my point in this post. I hope that's clear.