As I was enjoying my morning coffee today for the first time all summer, I started thinking of all the things I have done in the past year to try to get and stay pregnant.
It kind of feels like a cruel joke. I haven't had coffee since I began my Clomid cycle. Now I didn't cut caffiene completely, but I switched to tea which is not the same thing. I haven't had a drink since I ovulated. Since my first m/c I have religiously taken numerous vitimins, started pre-natal yoga, vastly improved my eating habits, drank 8 glasses of water (almost) every day, and any number of other things that are supposed to help with fertility. I used pre-seed and OPKs and these awful little cup things which I will spare you the details about. And when I think about all the things I did and all the things I gave up, honestly, I feel stupid. I really believed those things would help me, and they haven't. But they have served as a daily reminder of my inability to achieve the one thing I want above all others.
With my first (successful) pregnancy, all I did was take folic acid, eat a little more fruit and cut back on the coffee once I got my BFP. I wonder if we try again if I will be able to just relax and live normally. Despite feeling stupid, part of me still feels like I need those things. It's crazy what infertility does to the mind. I swear I used to be a sane person.
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